onlysk1nd33p

ok... let me explain what this site is..

THIS SITE IS NOT MY JOURNAL.

my journal is http://onlysk1nd33p.blogspot.com/

this site has the exact same entries that my upsaid journal had...except that my upsaid journal keeps dying on me and i dont want to lose my precious entries..sooooo im storing them here.. :D

but no, i am not going to start using livejournal. i think this site sucks. it sucksssss. you cant script it or ANYTHING. argh. sorry but that really upsets me. argh. it's...toooooo simple. aha. i like challenges. so yeah.. im just keeping my entries here so i can read them later. and remember them... these are my memories i suppose...heh...

ok, so....... yeah, he said he is gonna leave for good. he layered on the guilt thick though. idk.. atleast he realizes that it doesnt look good.. just.. idk hes the kind of guy that just GETS into those kinds of situations.. and.. yah.. but it doesnt matter. i dont care what he said. i dont care what she said. i dont care what he didnt say, or what she made up. I just dont care. because it’s not my place to care. we had nothign between us so nothing was ruined. and .. her?.. who cares. not my fault they broke up. i didnt do it she did. so its not my fault there either.. so then why do I feel so fucking guilty?...

idk.. i miss him. :shrug: he’s fun to talk to.. and now that im out of schoooooooool and everyone else is still in schoooooooool, i could use someone to talk to aside from the n00bs in hobby.. cause they get boring real fast. and...yeah.

i still cant talk about what he said.. but.. yeah im about to explode. and.. before he left hes said that what he said to her he didnt mean and that she didnt show all of it and that now no one trusts him and shit. and he said that what he said to me he meant..which .. idk.. if he was faking it and bullshitting me, then i really don think he’d have gone that far with it.. especially if he meant to leave for good.. idk i just think if i was lying to someone and i planned on leaving for good, id have confessed to my lies..ya know?...or maybe.. ya dont know.. but w/e.


...but he came back. and apologized and thanked me unto oblivion..for what, im not quite sure..but idk, if it made him feel better, then i suppose ill humor him and listen. :shrug:

sometimes i just feel like IMing everyone ive ever talked to and apologizing.. no real reason for being sorry...just.. apologetic, i guess.. idk im weird.

so... uhm..yeah.. schools out. i didnt wake up till noon today. and i would still be asleep if my mom and sister hadnt woken me up. they went shopping without me and when they went to leave, they woke me up. grrr. but oh well. Ive been home alone for the past 2 hours.. i ate breakfast/lunch..but im still hungry and i dont wanna eat anything in case they come back with good food..which they probably will.. so ill just sit here and starve until they come back. n.n

im still sick. i woke up feeling like complete shit today. i couldnt swallow at all and my throat felt like i had just inhaled 3123413 pounds of sand and it was all stuck in my throat and rubbing around on the inside of me..and yeah. it hurt to breathe and shit. argh..but w/e.. im feeling a little better now... eh.. :-/

:-D jessica gave me her old APC cd.. so now im happy. :-D

i had a long talk with leslie last night. no need to go into detail about what.. but yeah.. idk, talking to her made me realize that i can’t stop writing in here, or else ill explode.. (epiphany number 2) so, im gonna keep writing. and if/when people get mad at me for what i write, then ill just have to deal with it.. because not writing in here is hurting me more than writing in here will..

because writing is my only outlet.. so.. if i dont write what im thinking/feeling then all of it gets bottled up and i end up taking it out on people..which..uh..isnt good for them and even worse for me.. soooooooo ima keep writing.. as much as possible..

but its killing me that this thing is eating at me..and i still cant talk about it because its confidential.. and..yeah.. it’s ......better left unsaid.. :-/


hmm..it’s kinda funny, i’ll write stuff in here about what im feeling at the time im writing, and then later ill go back and ill sort of regret saying that.. because either ive forgiven the person or i dont feel that way anymore.. idk. i suppose reminiscing changes the way you think about some things.. and looking back ill be like “wow... i wish i hadnt written that”..but i dont delete it because..it’s part of me and at the time, that’s how i felt and that’s what was running through my head, and if i were to delete it, then it would be like..altering what i felt..which is basically like lying to myself.. so.yeah.....

and sometimes when im in the middle of writing these things, sometihing will change or someeone will do something that is like..completely different or changes what i was going to say, and then ill have tow rite that in after.. idk that didnt make anysense.. but like (holy hell, the mailman just dropped off a package at the door and damn it scared the fucking shit out of me) idk its weird cause like.. sometimes ill be writing about...say, someone is mad at me, and im writing about what they did to me and how theyre mad and then (while im writing it) they IM me and apologize..then i have to write about them apologizing..and yeah its just weird.

oh and my mom just called..shes not bringing me food..so ima go eat something before i die.

x_x

Day started out alright... i guess. but it was a half day, AND the opening of LotR: RotK ^_______^
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

but we had exams, which were ghey. and mrs. fleshman is a controlling wench even on the last day of school. and i am pretty sure i failed the career research exam. but oooh well, cant think about that now. its WINTERRRRR BREAAAAAAAK. yeeeeeehaw!

but anyway, yeah.. i got home and talked to mark. i was in a good mood then... now.. im not.. because.. lots of drama has been going on lately and though most of it has nothing to do with me, and i shouldnt be unconcerned with the lying and cheating and backstabbing that’s been going on.. something about it just.. idk..it doesnt sit well with me. and..urgh! so close to christmas, too. i could do something really mean and send her/him a song.. heh heh heh >) but i think i’ll be nice..

and anyway...yeah.. i still cant say what was said to me the other night... unless that person decides not to come back online anymore... then im spilling everything. because holy fuck. i cant take this shit. its just..argh. and yeah, what happened yesterday doesnt affect me..because.. there is nothing between us. but i still dont like being lied to.. but yeah i cant get too worked up over it because we had nothing between us. so yeah... and.....yeah w/e.

and im sure you just got way hella confused..but i cant say the first part..and i cant say the last part..all you need to know is that this person said something to me..and then said something to this other person that was wayyyyy too similar to what they said to me... and even though i dont care for the person like that, i still dont like the idea of being lied to and bullshitted. >:o but yah,.. whatever. ill get over it.

he says she lied. its funny. i put up my away msg and he ims me and hes like "thats about me" and im like "damn right its about you".. but i never actually said his name in the away msg.. so...can you say "GUILTY CONSCIENCE?"

:ahem: so yeah, lotr came out today. i probably wont see it till sunday. argh. @(&*@*($&*(#&*($^@$^!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gerrrrrr. but yeah, it got 4 stars..and its like 3 and a half hours long. o my poor ass. but it will all be worth it. ohh yuss. :strokes the One Ring: isn’t that right, Precioussssssssss? >) muahahahahah

afhasdkfjaklj! grr im still sick. i had better not be sick on x-mas or ima be pisssssssssed. argh. i remember having chicken pox on x-mas one year. that sucked. i must have been like.. 6 because I remember I was in school at the time, and we got one of those Creepy Crawler making machines. damn those things kicked ass.

which reminds me. today paul brought in a shitload of Pogs XD POGS i havent heard of a POG in like 34513453452789345723489752346128364 years! XD i had so many of those. those thinks were badass too. so yeah, then we started talking about all the really nifty 90’s things. and me and paul and jen decided to bring back the 90’s. ohhh yeah. that’d be SO AWESOME. it’d be like.. Old School 90’s ALL THE WAY BABY! ohh yessss. I can see it now. :P damn that’d be so cool. if we dont get kicked out of school because of our all-black clothes, then we should SO do that. ;-)

uhm... yeah upsaid is being ghey. idk what its fucking problem is. >_< but yeah it wont load on my computer. it wotn load on my schools computer. i think the system is just being gay, but i swear to god, if that stupid site lost all my entries THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY! make no mistake... make NO mistake. >:o

oh yeah, i discovered that our school has the aim-express site BLOCKED asejfakshdfaklj!! gerrrrrr. so I cant get on aim durring school. MOTHER FUCKER SD#&$EJIH#UIH(#*&9@H!!!!!!!!!!!!! rawr.

hmm..well since i couldnt write the past couple days, i may as will fill myself in..

okay, so the other night. i dont remember which..and it doesnt matter, because the point was. i was feeling really bad. idk why. just.. yeah. mark read the shit i wrote in here and i got thinking about it and i got really scared because i am a very scared and insecure person... but anyway, i started listening to old cds like.. idk i have an old mixed cd from like..3 years ago that i listened to. (my first ever burned cd, but thats irrelevant) and it has a bunch of like.. old LP songs on it and this song from The Calling..which.. okay, it started like this. I was watchign tv. and this commercial came on. it was really moving, and yeah.. the background was ‘whereever you will go’ by The Calling, so I went through a bunch of my old cd’s to find it cause i knew i had it on ONE of my cd’s so I finally found the one that had it on there and i listened to that for a while. and then for some reason I got out my Now 5 cd from like 6th grade, and started listening to "Wonderful" by Everclear..yes, the song that always makes me cry..and yeah i had it on repeat for a while and started crying and then i listened to the rest of the cd whcih is mainly a bunch of old rap songs..and POP songs that I didnt even know i knew/liked. ahah. okay, yes I was a former pop-princess. ill admit that. but not the ghey mainstream pop, like britney spears or nsync or bsb.. i mean like LFO and Souldecision, and westlife... and yeah, them.. so i was listening to that and then i got out my other cd that i totally forgot about.. the Totally Hits 2001 ( i dont even know WHY i have that cd.. i dont remember buying it.but yeah..anyway) and there were some songs on there that were pop-ish.. and idk i mainly wanted to listen to that Eve6 song cause i havent heard that in YEARS and totally forgot i had it on that CD.. so yeah. i listened to that and i got to that song by craig david.. "fill me in"..yeah.. me and my good friend used to have an inside joke about that song.. cause like.. idk when she used to live in her old house and she still went to my school, she and I would call each other like everyday, and one day we were talking and craig david came on the radio and her stepmom said something about how she couldnt find her money and it was on the computer or w/e so the line that goes ‘but you left all your money on the TV’ we changed to ‘but you left all your money on the PC’ and that song came on and i totally forgot about that until that part of the song came on and i sang it the way we used to and i was like OMG... and then i started feeling really bad. i didnt cry, but idk i started wishing it was back to the good days in 6th grade..

and then somehow i got out vitamin c’s CD that I have from back in like 5th grade...and i started listening to that... and as usual, i started crying when ‘Graduation’ came on. idk.. something about that song.. and the girl cant even really sing.. but its just...idk someting gets to me about that song.. argh.
and yes i know how pathetic i sound. but idk..whenever i get really depressed I start listening to pop and old songs that I used to listen to when i was younger..and ignorant.. i wouldnt say happy per se, because i wasnt happy at the time.. but i was alot happier than I am now.. atleast, i didnt realize how pathetic i was.. and i am grateful for that.. but yah w/e.....:-/

so anyway, switching subjects.. my sister got this care-bear for x-mas from one of her friends and it was late at night and i took my cough medicine, which is, of course, the cheap generic kind that has like 10% alcohol, so it really messes with my head when im sick and yeah so we were talking and shes like "well, atleat it isnt pink" and im like "WHY? Pink cute-bears are...wait, i mean pink care-bears are cute!"

yeah it was really ghey, but i thought it was HILLARIOUS. and then i messed up when iw as trying to talk again that night..but i forgot what i said...hah. oh well.. so anyway...

ok..well.. that entry wasnt very .. "informative"... i prolly scared most of ya that read this..cept leslie. :P but the rest of you that dont know my...eh...pop-side.. :shudder: were prolly pretty scared.. but yeah, im a messed up kid, what can i say?........:-/

uhmm.. yeah, ...

writing in this is ..erm... therepitic.....i guess...

but recent events i cannot/do not want to write..or even think about..because thinking about them means ill heave to come to terms with them.. and i.. really cannot do that right now. i want to forget it happened and i dont want to believe it did happen.. and.. yeah that could really mess up alot of shit..so maybe.. if i dont write about it...it's like it never happened.......maybe?...

so yeh.. uhm.. im probably not gonna write a whole lot in thsi thing anymore because of what ive found happens when people read it .. idk.. i guess my mind is better left unexplored... and stuff...

ill just suck it up and act like it's all fine....that's a good thing to do......
right?. . . .

ok, i have to write this down because it was really funny..well, you might not think its that funny, but i thought it was fucking hillarious...

ok, anywhooo.. last night me and my 13 year old sister were discussing..uh...that time of the month (dont ask, i dnot have any idea how we got on the subject) and yeah so it went something like this
Me: ...actually... im late getting mine
::::long pause:::::
Me: ...maybe im pregnant with God's second son
(immediatly afterwards)
Robin: What the hell are you talking about?????

aaaaaaaaaaaaahahhaha idk she just sounded SO much like butters just then .. yeah i started laughing for like 10 fucking minutes straight oh yeah it was great. ahaha..........aha........ha..............ha.

you know.. i know im not how you wish i was. im not right for you. im not what you want. i know this. and if you want to leave me for someone who is what you want, and is right for you, then dont let me stop you. please.. dont pretend and dont try to deal and put up with me. i never want you to stay with me if you dont want to. i want you to be happy. and i know you arent happy now. i can tell. i can tell, because i know im not what you want. because im just not. and i know im wasting your time. and i dont want to waste any more of it. you should have someone who is... less like me. more like.. i dunno. just not me. someone with less character flaws. someone who actually likes the phone. someone with experience. someone who actually knows what to do. and what to say. and how to act. and how to react. someone who is there. always. someone less pathetic. someone who would never have to say this.

i hate this.
i hate me.
i hate how i am.
i hate that i cant stop hating this.
i hate that i cant help it.
i hate that i dont know what to do.
i hate it.
and i dont know what to do.
i just hate it. everything. i hate it all.
and i know that it's just a fucking mood swing, and ill probably get over it tomorrow.. but i feel so fucking helpless and confused.and i dont know what to fucking do. i dont want to talk to anyone. well, i do.. but i dont. i dunno. you see? i dont know what the fuck i want. yes i do. i know what i want. but i cant have it. and i dont want to think about it because it makes me think of how much i hate myself. and hate what i do. and hate what i dont do. and hate how i am. and what i say. and what i feel. and how fucking hesitant i am. and how standoffish i always am. and how i cant change how i am and how i will always be this way. always a coward. always alone. ill never experience anything,. ill always be alone and sorry for myself because ....because he is so fucking physical. and im not. im not straight.. but at the same time..i am.. because ive never been with a guy.. ive never had a bf. never held hands. never kissed. never frenched. never fucked. never anything. and i dont think he gets that. and people dont understand that, either. they love to rub it in.. love to. idk maybe they dont realize what theyre doing when they do it, but it fucking hurts. idk maybe i take things too seriously.. but i cant help that. and i hate that i take everything too seriously. i dont get why ive got to be suck a fucking nonconformist all the time. it’s who i am, and i used to love that..no..that’s a lie.. i hate that. i hate that that is how i am. i hate it. i hate that i cant be like everybody else and have a boyfriend. and i dont mean like..now, i mean like..before... everyone i know has had like 34524524352345 ex-es.... but, me?..:cough:... none. not a fucking one. everyone has experience with ..stuff..and i feel so left out. cut off. and i dont think that having a boyfriend would.. validate me in any way, or whatever, but i do think that having a past and a history might make me feel a little better.. atleast give me some kind of hope. but there is none. there is no hope. there is nothing for me to look forward to, because there is no past for me to look back on. i am nothing. i could die today and only a handful of people would even know i exsisted..and even they wouldnt really miss me because no one really knows me. and maybe i like it that way. maybe.. maybe i think that im gonna make something for myself one day. maybe im gonna get out of this fucking shit-town and get as far away as possible. and if i dont let people know me, then i wont miss them when i leave. because i dont want to remember this hellhole. i dont want to remember any of this. any of my life before or right now. i hate it and i hope i can forget it. but .. i dunno. i dont know what im gonna do .. now, or later. idk what im gonna do in the future. if im gonna go to college or not..and if i am, where am i gonna go?.. i dunno. and thinking about the future doesnt comfort me much either. because it’s so unstable. there is no consistency. nothing i can count on or rely on or depend on. nothing. just nothing. and i dont like uncertainty.
i just want something...someone.. i can rely on to be there for me. forever and always.
someone who will bet there even when i get like this.. i want someone who will give me hope and someone who will make everything feel alright. someone that will make me feel safe..and confident.
that’s asking alot, i know.. which is why i’ll be alone. might as well get used to it, eh?..... :/

i hate you, you fucking stoner. why dont u go out and get shitfaced or something? why must you waste my time with your empty lies? why cant you just leave me the fuck alone? no. youve got to feed me this bullshit and play with me because you have no fucking life and no where to go because your a fucking dropout and youve fucked up your life. and its not my fault that you did so. i didnt make you become a fuckup. i didnt make you become the lying asshole you are. why dont you grow up and get a life? stop playing with me. stop bullshitting me. stop pretending. i hate it. i hate you.. i dont need your shit. i dont need your company. i dont need to deal with your and your bullshit. i dont need your pathetic sympathy. i don’t need your pity. i dont need your comments and I dont need your empty compliments. i DO need you to lay off and leave me the fuck alone. figure out what the hell you want from me, and stop playing games. i dont have time for your bullshit so stop wasting my time and sort out your feelings, you fucking whore. you dont know what you want, do you? .. i think you want to get laid. hahahahaha. -_- fucking whore. we’re nothing to you, are we? nothing. just pieces of ass for your enjoyment. fucking arrogant whore. but whatever, i dont need to deal with you. and im sure that what i say has no affect whatsoever on you, as i mean nothing to you. dispite your lies. and pathetic attempts to convince me otherwise. you dont care. because if you did, you wouldnt have bullshitted me in the first place. so go on.. go fuck off. but dont come running to me when you wake up and find yourself very..very alone.


ok.. im done. i just needed to vent. :growls: arghasdfjaksdlfadkfjamfajk that kid makes me so fucking mad. argh but w/e i dont need this shit today. ok, enough..im done. forget it. forget i said anything. just forget it....

...and while your at it...forget me, too....

hmm.. i have found that even though i forgive people for what they've done/said to me that made pretty bad imprint upon me.. i dont ever really forget what they've done.. idk. i have alot of resentment towards lots of people. :shrug: idk but writing in this thing really helps me to gain a sense of "closure" if that even IS what i am seeking. :shrug: but w/e writing in this helps me to get out my angst and indignation, of which, i have a lot. heh. soooo yeah, alot of this is just me rambling about blahhhstuff and stuff i happen to think about, but idk.. it's like.. i think that if i say it, and have proof that ive said it, i can finally get over it, and move on. maybe that's what closure is to me...

and writing in here really helps me let go of everything i'm resenting or regretting..
hah, the other day I was thinking about how to explain resentment to myself.. and i came up with a nifty quote.... ::clears throat::
"Resentment is only regretting leaving things unsaid, problems undiscussed, feelings undealt with, emtions supressed and unvisited."

eh.... it's alright. kind of a weird, confusing idea if you dont get where im coming from. idk i never really say everything i mean to say when im mad at people. (except for lately, when i was bitching posh out..then i said exactly what i wanted to say..and DAMN it felt good. ahhhh) so yeah.. i guess that might be why i have so much resentment and am so damn bitter sometimes....

jesse apologized. ... idk if i have forgiven him or not...

shit he said, and shit people have said and done in the past have made me how i am today. i dont trust hardly anyone. and im dead serious. i am so afraid of getting hurt that i secondguess everything and am skeptical and suspicious of everyfuckingthing. :-/.. i dunno. i cant help it and idk how to not be this way... and for that I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life.. psh.. not like it will make a difference. i've been alone my whole fucking life. being alone for the rest of it wont make much of a difference to me.. im used to it. i hate people. i hate interaction. i hate getting invloved. i hate caring. i hate pretending to care. i hate pretending to listen and pretending to give a shit. i hate pretending like what you say doesnt hurt me when inside its ripping me apart.... i hate having to laugh it off. no, not having to because i dont have to.. i just do. because that is how i am. and that is the expected reaction. because stupid kids these days all just wanna play around and have no fucking selfrespect and thus no respect for others, and when you get pissed off at them, they get indignant with you and its a fucking gayass cycle that i want no part of.

i dont want to be alone.. but i dont want any assistance. i dont want any company. i just want to be... with myself.. and my thoughts.. because no one understands them anyway. i've come to terms with my fate to be solitary now if only other people would leave me the fuck alone, id be fine. but no, they persist to talk to me and tell me bullshit i dont care about because that's how they are and that's how their life is.. they have to depend on other people because they cant depend on themselves.. and if i so much as say one demeaning thing, they're whole well-being is thrown off balance.. because that's all they know. they dont know what its like to have no one. they dont know what its like to have no one but yoruself to help you cope. they've always had someone there to help them out, and just because im not like that, they get mad. because they dont understand. and never will.

and still, dispite my efforts to stay solitary, i have found someone..or someone found me.... im still not sure how that happened... or why it happened..

but it did. and it was possibly the best thing to ever happen to me... until it died. and when it died, i was back to exactly the way i used to be. alone. with no one. and no one to talk to and no one to help me sort it out. and ive never needed anyone before..but when it died, i did. i really did. and i didnt want to admit it. i wanted to be the strong person i used to be. the person that didnt need anyone. the person that relied soley on myself... but that person died aswell.

but we made up. and he promised never to do anything like that again.... even though he promised to never do anything like that in the first place... but i yielded. out of lack of will. or lack of strength. or maybe because i didnt want to let go yet..

and i gave in. and everything is as it was before my shred of hope died. im slowly building up my hope again.. and possibly this ..poor excuse for trust.. the latter will take a long time to regain... if i ever regain it...

idk..the situation reminds me of this comic i saw in the paper the other day.. it was this cat, laying on its back, belly up..and this lady was looking at it. and she said something about how 'you might want a belly scratch, or it might be a trap so that you can attack me' or something like that.. and yah, so then she said something like 'but i have to trust that your intentions are good' and she goes to scratch the cat's belly, and the cat bites her... yeah, stupid comic, but i think its a little like that.. i know the consequences. i know what he's done. i know he could very well do it again. but i have to give him the benifit of the doubt.. ive got to trust him and believe that his intentions are good, even if it means that my obliviousness and my outward ripping of my heart unto a silver platter will result in my heart being torn and walked on all over again. because without hope..even if the hope is false and surely leading me onto the path of distruction, i will be in the same place i was. alone. and i do not want to be alone anymore.

so i give my heart out. it's not the first time ive done so... just the first time i've ever gotten it back.